Once in a Life

 

Once in a life...someone enters it. 

You never think twice...as they enter it. 

Somehow you know...as the relationship grows.

That they were supposed to be there.  

No matter the time...the time he was mine...

He was supposed to be there. 

++++++++++++++++++++++

On May 16, 2022...I had a vivid, memorable dream about an old boyfriend...my favorite boyfriend from my one year of college at Colorado State.  The dream was so real and believable...and you know when you dream about someone...they stay in your head for awhile?  

On May 17, 2022 I heard on the news that Vangelis...the composer of the theme from 'Chariots of Fire' had died.  This song reminded me of this boyfriend - Greg, because we went to this movie together in 1982.  So, it was the fact that this composer died...and that I'd had that vivid dream about Greg...that I decided to Google him...just to see if there was anything new posted.  Oh, I had Googled Greg many, many times...but, he was not on social media it seemed.  No Facebook.  Not many articles.  I had only found one picture that was taken at his work (bank executive) and also had seen that his mother passed away in 2018.  I did figure out he had two sons and could see them on Facebook.  And his sisters.  Yes, I was a stalker!  No...I was just interested in this wonderful guy from my past. 

So I Googled him on May 18th...and had the shock of my life thus far.  The first thing that popped up was his obituary.  

He was Gregory Wayne Grenard.  He was born on a Monday, April 1, 1963.  He died on a Monday, April 25, 2022.  He was 59, 3weeks and 3 days old. Mutual friends told me he died of Covid complications.

My dream was about us being together was that we were at some sort of event...maybe a dance...and I told him,  "I really like you Gregory Wayne Grenard".  And then he told me, "I really like you Jody Olsen".  But, then along came another gal and they started dancing together. And it was like I knew it was what he was supposed to do! Now...if you don't think I believe this dream was a visit from him from beyond...then, I don't know what to say!  I think it was him visiting me to tell me one last time, that he did like me...but, had to be with someone better for him.  And in my dream, I understood.  Of course when I dreamed this on May 16th...I had no idea he had passed from this earth...so, I just thought it was a strange dream out of the blue about a guy from my past!  But, when I found his obituary two days later...not only was I in shock that he had died...but, that I'd just had this dream!  And I was thoroughly convinced it WAS him visiting me...telling me what he needed to say.  It was him!!

Now, it's been a year since he passed...and I still cry.  It hit me very hard.  Not only due to his age...not only due to him being the best boyfriend I EVER had (three failed relationships...nothing but bad luck with men after this one!)...but, also because we didn't have closure.  I regret EVERY DAY that I didn't try to contact him later in life.  Just to be in touch.  Just to be friends.  I should have done that.  I knew where he was, where he worked.  And since he was married...he could never reach out to me (of course I'll never know if he ever even thought of me!!).  But, if he had ever wanted to...he couldn't.  He didn't know where I was...I mean...I was a world traveler (literally) the last he knew.  But, I could have contacted him.  I could have!  I should have!  And that's my regret.  So, I talk to him a lot...speak to the sky...tell him things I wish I could have on earth.  I tell him about my life...the utter failures, the pain.  Some good.  He had so much good in his life.  So much to live for!!  Happily married, beautiful family...successful career!  So much.  I am so proud of him. But so sad he had to go.

I've taken this year to reflect on our relationship...as short-lived as it was.  But, it meant so much to me.  I've pondered what I did wrong. What could I have done differently ? Why didn't the good ones stick around?  Or was it all part of the plan? Did it all turn out as it was 'meant to be'?

September, 1981 - I had decided after taking a year off after graduation and working full time at a bank...to go to college after all.  I had many friends in the class behind me (Class of 81) and got an apartment with my good friend Jill from that class.  I had been madly in love with a guy two years ahead of me who also went to CSU and was majoring in Animal Science.  He was very much into the cattle industry and told me we had to break up because I didn't know enough about cows! Well, I decided to tap into my living on a farm upbringing and take a course in Agriculture - perhaps to major in that.  "I'll show him"...I thought!  

So, one of my first semester classes was Intro to Agriculture.  I walk in and there was a friend from my high school Class of 81...Tim.  So, of course I sat by him (when I spoke to him recently, he said he wondered why on earth I was in an Intro to Ag class...but, it was because of that dumb ex boyfriend!  And I did have an interest in the farming biz cuz of my life...although I would soon learn that it really wasn't for me...).

Next to my friend Tim was this very cute guy.  He introduced us.  His name was Greg Grenard. So we three sat together every class...and soon Intro to Ag became my favorite subject!!!  I had an inkling that Greg liked me as much as I liked him.  But I didn't know his situation...was there a girlfriend, what's his story?  Well, I guess through the course of the course I found out he did have a girlfriend back home...home being the very small town in southeastern Colorado...Swink.  What the, where the...I'd never heard of it!  But, I soon learned as much as I could about Swink, Colorado.  A small farming community near La Junta and near the biggest city in that area...Lamar.  I'd never been there.  His town was so small...he said he had about 30 people in his high school graduating class?  He was class president.  Of course he was!!

As I got to know Greg...I realized I've got to know Greg!!  I had a job in the once burgeoning Foothills Mall at a western store (of course I did...to go along with my 'cowgirl' lifestyle!!!).  He knew I worked there...and I'll never forget one night he was walking through the mall...but, poked his head in to say hi as I was at the front cashier position.  That was it.  Just a hi.  Swoon!  As I watched him walk away...I'll never forget him turning back around to see if I was looking I guess (cuz I was!)...and I dropped whatever I was doing like a clutz...cuz gosh...he was so cute!  I'll always remember that look as he turned around.  Honestly, he was almost like a 'rock star' to me!!!  I had to make a move on him (ala Olivia Newton John's song 'Make a Move on Me' ... 1982).  So as Xmas break approached and the class was nearing its end...I arranged for me and my roommate Jill and our mutual friend Tim and Greg to all have a Xmas, 'goodby for now' lunch!  That's a good memory...Sirloin Stockade on College (now long gone of course).  But, before all this happened...I had another interesting thing happen in my life. 

October 24, 1981 - I had been hearing a song on the radio that I really liked..."Jessie's Girl".  I knew the singer was Rick Springfield and he was also on the newly popular (yet old) soap opera...'General Hospital'.  It had become a cultural phenomenon in 1982.  The characters of Luke and Laura were so popular and General Hospital - or GH as fans called it - became a huge hit.  And there was also a character named Noah Drake...played by none other than this singer-cum-actor...Rick Springfield.  So, since I liked his song so much, I decided I needed to check out General Hospital (a soap I'd watched with my Grandmother years earlier).  I had a break during lunch hour when it was on TV so, I'd head home to watch.  I remember the first time seeing Rick Springfield and thinking he had a big nose (he kinda does??).  So, I really wasn't that impressed.  Still, I became enthralled with the show again and you know how easy it is to get 'hooked' on soap operas and their ongoing drama! 

So during this time there was a very popular show on Saturday nights called 'Solid Gold'.  I had read that Rick would be on it the evening of October 24, 1981 performing his new song, "I've Done Everything For You".  It was a cold Saturday night...my roommate was not going to be home...and I decided I would make a night of watching TV, specifically this program to see this singer!  Remember, this was in the very beginning of MTV days...and my roommate and I didn't have cable (in fact back then, who did??! So 'Solid Gold' was one of the few ways to see our musical acts. Well, I watched him perform and BAM!  Something happened.  I was IN LOVE!  The way this man looked and how he performed...well, he just put a spell on me!  Really, sometimes I wondered if that was what it was (now this Rick story here DOES pertain to Greg...but, for more specifics on my very varied history I have with Rick Springfield...you'll have to see my other posts.)! 

My whole existence became about Rick Springfield...his music, his concerts...albums, photos, posters on my wall.  I was obsessed!  And with this love of Rick...I re-discovered my own dreams of being a singer and actress.  Yes, I had acted in high school plays and always sang along with the radio (I couldn't be in chorus in high school because my mom had me play clarinet and you couldn't do both band and chorus at my school).  But, I knew I could sing. It was my dream from a little girl.  So, during Xmas break...I shifted from wanting to be a 'cowgirl' to wanting to be a 'showgirl'!  And just like that...I switched all my classes from Ag to Theater for the second semester.

2nd Semester, January 1982 - I still had my mind set on Greg.  What to do?  Well.......since I had originally registered for the classes to continue with my Ag major...I knew where and when the classes would be on my original schedule.  And I figured out that Greg would be going to those classes.  So, I basically knew his schedule!  And guess what...one of my new classes was in a room right before and right next to one of his classes.  So, I did a little sneaky thing...I sat outside the room in between my class and his class...so, when he just 'happened' to walk by I said "Greg, fancy seeing you here!!".  Yes, it was sneaky.  But, yes...it WORKED!!!  It became our 'meeting place' all semester long.  Man...I think that was the hardest I ever tried to get a guy!!!!

As Valentines Day approached...I remember he told me he needed to go back home for the weekend for some reason.  He was being vague and a little sneaky about it. When I saw him after his trip home he informed me that he broke up with his girlfriend and wanted to date ME!!!!  Since it was Valentines Day...he asked me to a dance at his dorm (the now renamed Green Hall) and also to a formal dance at the Fraternity he was going to join, Farmhouse.  I was thrilled!  Got a new dress (purple angora with a purple suede leather jacket).  It was the best Valentines of my life!  TWO dates.  Friday night we danced the spotlight grind (a la "Freeze Frame" by J. Geils Band - Spring of 82 - which became 'our' song!).  I know he knew I loved the song "Freeze Frame" and I remember when it came on at the dance...he said, "It's your song!"...and we danced and danced the spotlight grind!!! do dee loo deedo

Saturday night was formal...and we got very dressed up.  That was where I wore my purple outfit and he wore his baby blue suit coat from his Sr portrait and crushed velvet dark blue or black pants...and yes, those come into play later.  He brought Riunite Red Wine for pre-date drinking (cheap stuff...and my first time drinking red wine!)...and it turned my teeth purple (and yes, red wine still does that to me!)  But hey... it matched my outfit!!

We had dinner at the recently closed, very popular Caninos Italian on College.  Then to the dance at Farmhouse.  Memories of this are vague (probably due to the Riunite!).  But, I do know it was fun and I was proud to be with this special guy!  He did join this fraternity and lived there with Tim and other good friends throughout his college years.  Every time I pass by I say hi as I know part of his spirit is there! We had a little make out session back at the apartment.  I had a sheepskin rug and yes...it shed a lot.  Between my angora dress and the sheepskin wool...those crushed velvet pants were simply covered in 'hair' as he got up to leave! Oh my...such a memory.  We laughed and laughed. 

We carried on our crazy 82 love affair (a la "65 Love Affair" by Paul Davis - another song from spring of 82)...for the remainder of the semester.  Dinners, movies, a CSU basketball game were some of our dates.  Also washing his truck at the local car wash (brown and tan Ford F50 circa 1980??) and hearing Rick's new 'rock' song "Calling All Girls" and him saying, "he's talking to you!".  But, I must admit...I felt a 'change' in his demeanor towards me after his trip home for Spring Break (did he 'make up' with old girlfriend?).  He just started acting distant.  I got an awful job at KFC (you never saw so much grease!)...and I was too embarrassed to tell him!  I met some great guys in my Theatre classes...and they kinda liked me...but, all l could ever talk about was Greg!  Once one of them asked..."where is this Greg? Why don't we ever see him with you?".  Good question.  Oh we continued our meetup by his class every day (or whenever the classes were...I can't remember).  We had one more fling before he headed home for the summer. A crazy night that he managed to bring some Everclear punch to my apartment!!  

Before he left...we met to say goodbye...and I had just put a 3rd pierced ear hole in my left ear.  Oh my goodness...you'd think I'd gotten a nose ring (by comparison a 3rd hole is soooooo benign compared to today's fads!!).  He told me to take it out!  And I said, "NO...I like it!"  So, maybe that was it?  We were too different?  He knew it.  Maybe I knew it too.  So, I prepared for my move to LA for the bright lights, big city!!  

Fall of 1982 - I was still in Fort Collins.  I had spoken to Greg by phone throughout the summer.  I guess by this time we had become 'just friends'...enough so that we could still have great conversations.  He was interested in my decision to move. I'm sure he thought it was crazy...but, was interested nonetheless.  We had a goodby dinner at the long gone ChiChi's here which was by the now almost non-existent mall (now when the Coopers or Goldbergs on TV eat at ChiChi's it takes me right back!).  But, I was off to my land of dreams.  And he was off...to live his 'normal life'.  

Greg continued his college education.  He lived in Farmhouse.  I visited him once in 1983 and went to a dance there with him one last time...wearing my 'new wave' garb...funky clothes and black patent leather pumps!  And I clearly remember dancing to "Should I Stay or Should I Go" by the Clash.  Such fun...but, to a group of farm boy Ag majors...who knows what they thought!  I must have looked like the crazy gal from LA!  I was!!! But, Greg was gracious and kind.  That was our last dance.

We did continue to communicate.  He was one of the first people I called when upon moving to LA and I got to meet my idol, Rick Springfield on the set of my beloved General Hospital!  Such a great dream come true for me.  He was happy for me.  And I had many more great Rick things happen to me (again...to be written in other posts)...but, life was just so-so there.   I really didn't like my roommate at the time...so in 1984...after a year and a half there...I decided I should move home and 'try' to get him back. I did move home.  I didn't get him back.  

He was just finishing up his Jr year.  We met in a park on the swings.  And that's where he told me he'd met someone else.  He also told me he was going to the Billy Idol concert (he loved him...so, yes I plan to go see him in concert here this fall in Greg's honor!!).  But, there it was!  The cat was out of the bag.  He had someone else.  That was devastating!  But what could I do??   Since nothing came along at home for me and Greg was taken...I decided to go back to my old job at the law firm in LA.  So no Greg...no Colorado.  Back to LA I go!!!!!

But, I didn't give up totally. I still called him.  I can remember when long distance calls actually cost...so I'd make the calls to him from the law firm. On their dime!!!  My bad?!?  Anyway... I know I had always begged him to come visit me in LA.  So, to my amazement and joy...he planned a visit during his Sr year Xmas break!!!! I can't wait...I can't wait (a la "Make a Move on Me" - Olivia).  

January, 1985 - He flew into the Burbank Airport.  I picked him up in my 1972 El Camino (man I wish I still had that car!!!)...but, at that time it was kind of a piece of junk! Anyway...I feel like we did so many things in those 3 days he was with me.  I drove him EVERYWHERE that was special to me.  So, that meant all the studios, by Rick's house (of course) and the gorgeous views from the hills of Burbank.  We had a lovely dinner in those hills at my favorite restaurant there...The Castaway.  We spent an afternoon at Universal Studios.  And we tried to get into a taping of the Tonight Show with Johnny Carson!  But, we didn't get in line in time and didn't make the cut!  Bummer.  But, they said there was a new show that we could go see being taped.  It was called 'Sara' and was starring a 'new' actress, Geena Davis!  So, we got to see a future Academy Award winning actress in a show!  It was raining and I remember my old car 'smoking' while we were driving and I was so worried that we'd breakdown somewhere.  Greg said it would be ok.  Always a calm, stable man...that one.  It was his greatest trait.  I read on a Facebook page that there was a 'dilemma' in their family...and someone wrote that Greg had said, "everything will be ok".  And I just thought, ya...that's Greg!!!

On Facebook I did learn of his wonderful family.  Three great kids.  One grandchild.  He should have lived to have a dozen more! His two sons followed in his footsteps and went to CSU and belonged to Farmhouse.  I'm sure that was such an honor to him.  

Back to 1985...he returned home of course. And I remained smitten...yet still in LA.  He finished his degree.  I decided to travel with a Christian singing group and travel to Europe and Western Africa that summer.  Such different lives.  I sent him a graduation gift.  I'm not sure if he got it.  Or cared.

But, we did stay in touch...and I returned home again in 1986 to help take care of my grandparents. Greg had graduated and gotten a job back in his home area of  Lamar at a bank.  He was living on a farm in a neighboring small town of Wiley.  My dad was involved with Crop Insurance...so, that year he was going to go to Lamar for a conference for this job.  Well...I decided I would go with my dad and that would give me a chance to visit Greg!! I'd never been to the area he was born and raised in.  I was so excited!  

Dad and I stayed at the Cow Palace...the 'big' hotel in Lamar at the time.  Quite 'fancy'...with the pool in the middle...remember those??? It was a Norovirus incubator I'm sure!!!!!  Anyway...Greg took me to a steak place for dinner and we visited his little house.  Again, I was always stylin...and I remember I wore my HOT pink jump suit with the late 80's big hair and big earrings!!!  Imagine...being in Lamar and Wiley, Colorado looking like that??  Oh my...people probably thought, "what the heck is that!!".  But, I mean..I looked GOOD!!!  But, there was the writing on the wall again...me - this wild girl..a farmer's wife??  Probably not.  I'm sure that's what Greg thought too. 

I stayed in Colorado through 1987.  That spring my old high school was in a baseball tournament game with Lamar high school in Lamar.  So, a friend and I drove there to see 'it'...but, it was really to see 'him'.  I thought if he knew I was there...he'd come see me?  I called.  He was busy.  Of course I said I was really there to see the game (when I was really only there to see him)...to 'save face'.  But very disappointed.  I think I saw him one last time in 1987 at a Greeley bar.  I just saw him walk into this busy bar...with a group of friends...and a girl.  His girl.  Maybe his future wife?  I grabbed him and said hi...but, it was uncomfortable (duh) and I just said it was good to see him and I moved on with my beer and cigarette in hand (yes...embarrassing...I tried to shove the unlit cigarette in my pocket before he could see it!).  I was bleach blonde, still stylin...and in a bar with my girlfriend (no other man for me...).  There really was never any other man for me.  

I don't think I spoke to him after this.  I finally realized he had moved on. We lost touch.  I don't even know when he got married.  l moved on to a very complicated, very troubled life.  I did plan a wedding in the summer of 1989...and for some inexplicable reason I sent him an invitation (maybe wanted him to see I did find a man??).  But, this man I found was HORRIBLE and entered my life in a weird, wrong way and sadly convinced me to marry him.  Right before this wedding was supposed to happen...I caught him doing drugs (I'd always suspected it...he told me I was crazy!).  It was awful...but, I canceled the wedding.  So embarrassing.  I remember I TYPED out letters to say it was canceled (there was enough time to get those in the mail)...and yes, I sent one to Greg.  What he must have thought??

I don't recall communicating with him ever again.  Maybe I did.  I'm not sure.  I know I had written him a letter on our 20th anniversary in 2002 telling him of my undying love.  I wrote on the envelope...please give to Greg when I die.  Yes, I really thought I would die first for some reason. But of course he never saw it.  It's around here somewhere.  I don't know where things are since I moved in 2018.  

Also in 2018...I learned that his mother passed away (both my parents died in 2016).  I was going to send him a card.  I never did.  Oh how I regret that. Why didn't I???  Was it because I figured he never cared enough about me?  Is it because no old boyfriends wrote me when my parents died?  Maybe.  Shouldn't have mattered. I should have sent it.  Oh how I regret that.  

In February, 2022 I was actually thinking of sending him a 'Valentines' card to acknowledge our '40th anniversary'.  But, I didn't.  I wrote my best friend at the time and told her about him...and said to her..."I have no idea if he ever thinks of me".  And I thought "probably not".  I did not send a card.  I would have sent it to his work.  But, I guess I'm kind of glad I didn't do that...because little did I know that he was in a hospital at that time...fighting for his life!  If I had sent a card then...it surely would have been intercepted by his wife...and that might have been uncomfortable for everyone.  But, I do wish I'd known he was sick...as I certainly, CERTAINLY would have sent him a get well card at the very least.  But, no one told me.  I was a blip in his life.  Nothing to see here. Or remember?  I'll never know.

My only hope now is that he'll visit me occasionally in my dreams.  Like he did after he died.   Honestly, I had NEVER dreamed about him until that night.  He visited me.  I truly, TRULY believe that.  I have had a few more dreams about him.  Not as vivid. But it's always nice to 'see' him.  If I get another chance at life (who knows...maybe...?)...I know what I'll do.  Greg...the next life...I will fight for you!  I will even take out my 3rd earring!!!

From my Facebook sleuthing...I can see he had a good life.  As for my life...it hasn't been good.  Actually pretty awful.  Drank too much (Greg's fault with the Riunite and Everclear punch??...).  No, it's all been my own damn fault.  Some bad luck.  Some bad choices.  Many bad options! I wish I had kept in touch with Greg...he might have been able to impart some wisdom and knock some sense into me!  I certainly could have used his wise, calm judgement.  I wish I could have told him about my 'small' successes...ie, getting my degrees finally.  Owning a home.  Being married once to a successful man.  My singing (why didn't I send him one of my CDs?)...and theatrical performances. But, are all my failed relationships because I could never find another man like him?  Why can't I find a man like that?? (a la Rick Springfield - "Jessie's Girl"!). 

Speaking of Rick Springfield and "Jessie's Girl"...(which I sing with the lyrics of Gregory's Girl! BTW...I will have to do an addendum post with ALL the songs I've inserted Greg's name into!!)...but, I have some solace in knowing that every time Greg heard that song...he probably thought of me.  He had to have!!!  And that makes me smile.  

I also had a revelation this last year upon contemplating Greg's passing.  I met Greg in September of 1981.   I 'fell' for Rick Springfield in October of 1981.  Who came first?  Greg!  After 'falling' for Rick and putting pics all over my room...I remember thinking...Greg kind of looks like Rick!  He had the same facial structure, features...and just kind of reminded me of him.  So now...41 years later...I think I 'get' why I fell so hard for Rick Springfield.  I was actually falling for Greg!  Seeing Rick sing on that fateful night and falling madly in love...was really me 'seeing' this cute guy from my Ag class singing like a rock star!!  Is that crazy?  Well, it's true.  I didn't love Rick Springfield...oh, I did...I loved his music and it really got me through a LOT in my life.  But, in reality...I was falling for Greg Grenard.  HE was my rock star.  I just didn't know it!  And since I couldn't 'keep' Greg...I moved to LA to chase my dreams of Rick! (no, I did NOT go out there thinking I'd be with Rick...but I wanted to BE like Rick...a singer and actor).  I just found this realization to be profound.  I sure wish I could have told Greg this.  He would have laughed.

He was my once in a life.  My 82 love affair.

~ If I could go back again...I know I'd never let you go... 

~ If I could go back in time...well I know somehow you'd still be mine.

    I wouldn't be so blind...to that wonderful...65 (82) love affair...

    Rock n roll was simple and clear...oh I can still hear...I can hear it baby...

    Do whop diddy whop ... diddy whop do.   

~ If I could go back again...well I know our love would never end...

    Back with all of my friends...to that wonderful...65 (82) love affair 

                                                ~ Paul Davis, "65 Love Affair ", 1982